Visit the gallery’s booth on the “First Choice” day of Art Basel and talk to them non-stop about your wife’s affair with the gardener, or the solar panels you want to get fixed at your Portuguese holiday cottage. If they attempt to speak with other clients, lift your voice and look offended.
Buy an artwork, negotiate an agreement with a sell-back option, and make use of it a week after purchase. Repeat this twice or three times in short periods.
Try out your new selfie-drone at the opening.
Constantly comment on the galleries social media feeds with nonsensical Emoji combos. Send them daily DMs to ask about their Sunday hours or where to find the best soy latte in the neighbourhood. Check back whether they have received the message immediately once you see a notification that they have read the message.
Once you have the gallery’s director WhatsApp, cancel your Quintessentially subscription and use him as your concierge service by asking him for bargain hotels during Art Basel and requesting that he books you at the Soho House during Gallery Weekend Berlin.
Don’t buy any works for a year and don’t show up at the gallery once, then, call the gallerist’s mobile 5 -10 times during the first day of an art fair because you need an extra ticket for your college friend, your accountant, your father-in-law, or your son’s ex-girlfriend.
Get really drunk on cheap, free wine at a major opening and disturb the peace by grinding up to the nearest expensive sculpture.
Pretend to be a renowned expert on a particular artist during an opening and “teach” fellow guests about the artist’s background, development, and inspirations, even if it’s all very, very false. E.g. “he grew up in a very dangerous neighbourhood in Brazil and needed to learn how to express his fears”…
…or for female artists: “She worked as a call girl while at art university and one of her best clients was a famous collector.”
After you’ve bought an edition from LUMAS, keep on calling your gallerist and ask whether he thinks that buying this work was a really good investment.
Get flirty with the gallery staff and ask everyone -from the receptionist to the artist liaison manager or the cleaning lady- out for a dinner. Make sure you ask each of them in front of all the others that you have asked before.